I think i sorta joined a cult last night
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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