It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
