so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
