More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
