Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
