Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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