Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My ATM looks so different sober.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
