i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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