Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
