pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
