Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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