I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
