My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
