I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
