3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
