you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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