Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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