Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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