sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just forgot I was standing up.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
