Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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