I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
