wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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