Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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