apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
