i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
