i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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