She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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