So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
