i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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