Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
