I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
