I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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