she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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