On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
