xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
