we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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