I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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