You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
