yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Send help, water and tortillas.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
