I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
