theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
