So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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