She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
