I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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