Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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