I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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