I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
