textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
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He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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