My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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