Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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