Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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