I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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