Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
