im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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