I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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