I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
