My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
