proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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